My Purpose is to SEE

Recently, while surrounded by some of my dearest friends, I had an epiphany about my life and my work in this lifetime. It started way earlier than this year but all the dots connected for me in this small group of women who held sacred space for me. I found myself flooded will realizations and connections as I offloaded so many things that were on my chest from childhood, to my late teens when I lost my grandparents and had my daughter, through Covid, and up to last year when I had bilateral pulmonary embolisms. In this deep-dive conversation, I realized why I couldn't release some people and events up until this point. I carried so much pain with me daily. My intuitive energy healer friend had gently pointed out several times that she believed my grief and pain were stuck energetically in my lungs, which in 2023 quite literally were dying.

With the painful bilateral pulmonary embolisms (blood clots) and pulmonary infarction (dead lung tissue), I had an overwhelming feeling that I was dying one night. I called my family and told them just that. "I feel like I'm dying," I said over and over. I knew they thought I just meant the pain was unbearable, which it was, but I truly had an overwhelming feeling that I was dying. My mom, who works in nursing, had used the term 'terminal restlessness' many times growing up to describe patients who were on their way out of their current bodies. I believe that is what I was experiencing. The next few moments after getting off the phone I was then above my body looking down. I can see exactly how I was standing in my hallway and what I was looking at. I can see my point of view still to this day from above (which I believe to be my soul) as well as what my body saw. In this brief moment, it felt like time was frozen and so many things were shown to me. I felt no pain from my embolism and clots. All I saw was EVERYTHING. I can't exactly put it into words. I witnessed my entire lifespan up to that point as well as glimpses of what life would be like for my loved ones, specifically my daughter, after I left. I did not feel any pain, physically or mentally. It was all in front of me and I just had to decide. Do I enjoy the relief from the pain, physically and mentally, or do I step back into myself and embrace the road ahead with the promise it is going to be full of pain and sadness as well as fulfillment and joy? I had a choice.

I chose in that brief moment to stay, to go back to my body and continue healing my grief and my lungs. I chose to be here and put in the hard work of learning to be the mother I want to be. The friend I want to be. The daughter. The sister. The partner. The person.

Since 2023, and especially since being held by my friends here recently, I have become aware of what I can and will do on this earth in service of others and of myself. The person I was almost 10 years ago, the person I am today, and the person I will be 10 years from now may be completely different versions. But I know that right now my purpose is to connect with souls that need me in their life and to see them. To see their love. To see their pain. To REALLY SEE them- with the added benefit that I capture it all in my own artistic and unique way.

I move forward with my photography business now with confidence and purpose. Occasionally some of the same old fears pop up- feelings of imposter syndrome that most artists experience & occasionally overwhelm with the constant new tech that comes out year after year. However, now I am equipped with everything I saw in my out-of-body experience. I am who I am for a reason. The people that are attracted to my work are here for a reason. I stand confidently in that and have no fear moving forward. I am unabashedly myself and the right, AMAZING clients always find me.

I do all sorts of photography from photographing my garden to elopements across the world. I am up for adventure and I desire to capture monumental moments in my clients' lives. I am so in love with life and love but even grief and sorrow. It is all part of this beautiful human experience that I feel blessed to be a part of. I hope it shines through my work and I know it will for the people who feel called to invite me in on such special days.